Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
craving $300 all of a sudden
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house