doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
yeet
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
this is the best interaction on twitter
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.