Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Otters see a butterfly.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
shampoo implies shampee
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet