Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
“I wouldn’t.”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”