Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’m not stressed
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
that’s really how it is
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.