Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.