Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
it was love at first sight
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁