[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car