Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Always the camel, never the toe.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
just having fun
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out