This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made