if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me too 😆
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.