I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
tell em, edith-anne
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha