I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
God has abandoned us.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison