Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
The dark side of Canada
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.