Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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When your best mate counts as a desk too
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The Compass
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.