I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group