They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.