Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.