*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.