I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
my nickname in college
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.