Camping tip: No.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.