What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
what’s really going on
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.