THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
😆this is so true
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
the #horror is real!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here