hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account