Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you