You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.