Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
How I like cutting carbs
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.