Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
#MeanwhileInCanada