Oh we’ve met.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.