All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon