37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
What鈥檚 the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don鈥檛 have a fish
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack