having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken