You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You Might Also Like
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.