I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The days of good grammer has went
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.