When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.