[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.