But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
You Might Also Like
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
RT if you could go either way.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…