2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I can also cook 😂
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?