Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m aging like a fine banana
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
my favorite genre of twitter
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?