God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.