I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
im 7 sauces long
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.