watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets