lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.