car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The three genders
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.