As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you