[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Okey dokey.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
That’s amazing.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad