[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
You Might Also Like
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Overindulged this afternoon.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine