Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The Compass
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.