My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
This is a whole mood;
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Woke up with morning Yule Log
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
so, is there a mister shapen head
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
why he move like a hotel transylvania character