ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The old gods are rising again.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut